KERWIN BROWN May 07/09-August 21/09 (fourteen weeks, three days)

There has been some sad days in our small part of this world. Tom I and I have spent the last few days in a bad dream...coming to the reality that we have lost our baby to miscarriage. Our little boy, Kerwin Brown was 12 weeks old when his heart stopped beating.

The story of how this all happened is not for the light hearted, but I feel the need to share the details. Tom and I found while we went through this process that there is not enough information shared of miscarriage, we didn't know what to expect from one moment to the next. It is something so few people talk about that we really felt alone and lost. So here we are... we are talking about it:

It all started on the morning of Thursday the 20th... I began feeling menstrual cramps...followed by blood. This really freaked me out so I called the midwives office. I was told to go straight home and rest until they could get me in for an emergency ultrasound. Tom met me there and we just lay on our bed trying to rationalize what was happening. We got in for an ultrasound at 1:00 pm. The technician didn't say a word during the examination and I knew that my baby wasn't alive anymore...she explained that she was not permitted to tell me any details, but when I said "there is not heartbeat is there?" She said "no...there is nothing." We went straight to our Midwives office and Deborah gave us more details...by the size of the fetus they could tell that the little baby inside my belly died two weeks ago, this was so devastating. After we left the Midwives office and the obsitrition requested that I had a D&C that night, an operation that would have my uterus scraped clean with a curettage. Luckily, because I had already eaten and an anesthetic was required, the operation would be postponed to Saturday morning. That night and the following morning my body began the process of miscarriage naturally. With cramps and contractions I began passing blood and large blood clots...almost the size of my palm. It took a lot out of me....I felt so exhausted. At around 4:30 my contractions (at that time I was calling them cramps...not realizing truly that my body was dilating and preparing for the passing of our son) were getting very painful and scary. By 5:00 I had a little baby in my hand. I was scared at first to look, but when I saw his little legs, feet and toes I was in awe at how incredible the process of pregnancy is, that my body grew this little guy in a short twelve weeks. At about 5-6 inches long, he was all in tact, two skinny little legs with feet and toes, two skinny little arms with hands and fingers, eyes and ears, a nose, with his skin transparent we could see his little ribs and bone structure...his bum and the start of a little unit between his legs...He was Beautiful! Not knowing what to do next, and more than anything hoping I would not longer have to have a D&C, we called Deborah, our Midwife. She was surprised that we had the baby at home and we were to go straight to emergency because the placenta had not come out with the baby. Knowing that the umbilical cord is attached to the placenta I told her that the umbilical cord was still hanging from inside me...she said "do not pull on it" This is some of what I am talking about, not knowing what to do I had already pulled on it to try to get the placenta out, luckily it had broken. As it turns out pulling it could have cause permanent damage to my uterus and serious hemorrhaging....who knew? So we went to the Emergency and the Obsitrition, Dr. Bagdan was waiting for us there. Tom says this drive to the hospital felt like good practice for future labours since it was at 5:00 on a Friday afternoon with construction delays and all. Because I had dilated naturally Dr. Bagdan was able to get the placenta out with his hand and a suction without performing a D&C. I was so happy that the I was not being required to have this operation that the pain of this procedure became bearable. We were in so much awe of how much blood there was in there with the baby, it never seemed to end...well really it hasn't ended yet. Dr. Bagdan felt that our baby dieing at 12 weeks was uncommon , so they offered to have the placenta examined to find the cause of death, whether it is chromosomal, or an exposure to toxins, or as a result of the flu that I had...they maybe able to come to something conclusive. I continued passing large clots right up until saturday afternoon, and it was very scary for both Tom and I, for me wondering what was happenning to my body and for Tom to watch me in such pain....but now it it wednesday and I am feeling much better and gaining my energy back...now we are dealling woth the emotional healing. When Tom and I returned home from the hospital on Friday night we named our little boy. We named him Kerwin, this is the name my parents would have named me had I been born a boy. At dusk Tom dug a hole under our rhododundren tree, we wrapped Kerwin up and put him in a small wooden box and buried him. This was very hard for us, but in so many ways I feel it was very healthy for us too. This experience was so unreal for Tom and I. Easily the hardest thing that we have gone through together so far, it was an amazing bonding experience for us. We feel that if this had to happen, it happened in the best possible way. Having Kerwin naturally at home was so much better for our healing than had he been scraped out of me while under anithstatic at the hospital, we got to hold him, look at him, name him and bury him. For me to experience the sensation of contractions and realize the capabilites of my body, and for Tom to experience being an active part of this process ...we have learnt so much and feel so much more prepared for the beautiful living child that we will have in the future. I also feel about five years older right now. We are excited to start trying for another pregnancy, but we will give it a little while first. I would like some time to honor Kerwin and heal my physical self and emotional self first...all in due time.